Saturday, September 10, 2011

Energy and being handicap accessible

I haven't done any spells yet.  Not one.  I am having a hard time sensing energy--I can sometimes, but other times not at all.  I'm still working on that, which is more or less the groundwork for all spells.  I got a book called Energy Essentials for Witches and Spellcasters by Mya Om.  I've only read the first chapter so far, but need to reread it again before I do the exercises at the end of the chapter.

Over the last year and a half we've had people staying with us that were unwanted.  We've been forced to support them on our tiny checks.  It's a long story on why each person was there, but the outcome was a winter without food every day (sometimes not for days), stress that caused both my disabilities and DH's disabilities to get much worse, fear of our "houseguests," etc. It was a very unhappy time.  It was a really, really bad past year.  So, DH wants to do a spell to keep negative stuff out.  I completely agree, but I'm kinda nervous.

I think a large part of the reason that I have a hard time feeling energy is the pain that is always wracking my body.  For instance, right now my pain is between a 7 and 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.  I'm really curious on how I can concentrate better and feel things outside of myself while in pain.  I think doing some yoga will help with pain levels and concentration, but even gentle yoga for aches and pains is very strenuous for me and I need at least three days to recover from it, assuming I don't go into a pain flare.  It makes me so angry that I can't go to stores anymore that aren't handicap accessible and it makes me even angrier that a lot of places aren't handicap accessible.  I use a walker now, and I'm only 30.  I can't walk around, even with my walker, in Wal-Mart because it's so big.  Any big stores I have to ride a motorized scooter or be pushed in a wheelchair.  I can't push myself because I painfully sublux (partially dislocate) my wrists when I do, even wearing my wrist braces.  DH has been wonderful, and always pushes me around.

I'm also angry that I will not get to go out in nature--places I used to take for granted.  When I can feel my personal power, it feels all jumbled up, twisting, pulling, and pushing.  It feels like knotted barbed wire, if that makes any sense.  Well, it's past midnight and I'm going to try to get some sleep.